BICA Writing Club 기말 우수 에세이 1탄 Olivia Park(8th)

2021년 봄학기 BICA Writing Club (www.bica-tx.org/sat-school) 9주 수업을 마치면서, 기말 에세이 시험을 치뤘습니다. 그 가운데 가장 높은 점수를 받은  몇몇 학생의 글을 공개합니다. 평가 Rubric은 총 5개 영역이며 (Focus, Contents, Style, Organization, and Conventions) 모든 영역에서 높은 점수를 받았습니다.  참고할 만한 샘플이 되길 바랍니다. 주제는 "나에게 영향을 준 교사"입니다.

 

A Significant Influence

Olivia Park (8th)

 

Teachers are incredible, many make an impactful difference in our lives. All of us have had at least one teacher who was an amazing mentor, whether it was a school teacher, sports coach, religious leader, therapist, or even a family member or a guardian. Three teachers that made a difference in my life were Mrs. Mazzeo, Mr. Trusler, and my own mom. Each one of them helped me through struggles and inspired me to be the best version of myself.

 

Firstly, is my piano teacher, Mrs. Mazzeo. She is one of the best teachers I have ever had, because she is sympathetic, makes class interesting, and is lenient with her students. In her class, learning is always encouraged, but never forced. When I wasn’t able to keep up with my piano practice, because I was so busy, she didn’t blame me and we worked it out together. I believe she really has a passion for music and helping her students express through it better. One way she does this is by telling her students stories to keep class interesting. A story in particular that I remember is the story of an incredible piano-playing friend she had who turned out to never play piano again because she was sick of practicing so much. The lesson Mrs. Mazzeo was trying to teach me was that music should be enjoyable. One way she helps making playing songs more enjoyable is by letting me pick my own recital and practice pieces. It is one of my favorite things to do in class, listen to her play beautiful songs so I can pick one out to play myself.

 

Secondly, is my former history teacher Mr. Trusler. He is the one of the most passionate, caring, and exciting teachers I have ever met. I had Mr. Trusler before lunch, which was 3rd hour in 7th grade and I remember it being my favorite class through the whole day. He was a lot of people’s favorite class, because of his personality and teaching methods. One day, he told us about his past and how he was a “bad” student in school. Young Mr. Trusler was always misbehaving and causing a lot of trouble, because there were things going on at home. So now, as a teacher he knows what the “bad” kids are going through. I really respected him for telling us these stories in class. He wasn’t afraid to look goofy or be wrong, he always fought for his students and stood up for him. Also, I noticed that many of the kids who didn’t get good grades in other classes were doing better in his history class. I believe he knew how stressful school was so he made history as stress free and exciting as possible with lots of interesting projects and thorough yet simple teaching.

 

Lastly, is my own mom. She is my mentor and teacher, who is a person I can truly trust and be myself around. My mom is my teacher, both as a parent and an art teacher. In quarantine, my mom has been teaching art classes for me and a few other kids. I admire her teaching and patience as the art teacher of five chaotic students. Even though five doesn’t sound like a lot, it is when there is paint and clay flying everywhere. I know she did this art class for me, to help me start another activity during quarantine. I love the art class, and she tries her best to keep it interesting and active. When she isn’t an art teacher, she is my mother. I know I can count on her for advice and support. My online math class last quarter was difficult for me, so she sat down and learned it alongside me. Explaining patiently, encouraging me, and helping me through those tough classes. I was very impressed with how good she was with numbers!

 

In conclusion, teachers can have a tremendous effect student’s lives. For me, there were a couple teachers who changed my life for the better. Three teachers who were inspiring and passionate about their teaching and students are Mrs. Mazzeo, Mr. Trusler, and my own mom. Mrs. Mazzeo, is my piano teacher, encourages us to express and grow through music by keeping class interesting. Mr. Trusler was everyone’s favorite class and used his own past to inspire students who were just like him. And last but not least, my mom is someone I can trust and lean on, she is not only my art teacher but also a lifelong mentor and friend.

Copyright@2021 By Olivia Park

Do not copy, duplicate or reproduce this material in any way without the author’s consent.



Mr.Rah 교사평가

Focus:
Advanced: Consistently establishes and maintains a clear purpose and point of view. The writing is clear and completely answers all parts of the prompt. : 주제를 온전히 이해하고 있으며 글의 목적이 분명하고, 관점도 일관적이다.

Content:
Advanced: Thorough development of ideas and details that are related to the topic. Each point of T.S. has sufficient supporting details. 주제에 맞는 구체적인 아이디어와 뒷받침하는 예시들이 풍성하다. 본문의 각 단락들의 주제들이 주제문( Thesis Statement)의 포인트들과 부합한다.

Organization:
Advanced: Highly effective introduction with an interesting hook, connecting between the hook and T.S. & 3-point thesis statement (T.S.)3 body paragraphs related to T.S. Logical and appropriate transitions to connect ideas and paragraphs. A comprehensive conclusion that powerfully summarizes the main points. (restatement of T.S.) 손색없는 서론 (흥미로운 도입, 주제문과 도입을 잇는 배경 혹은 연결 문장, 3포인트가 있는 주제문)을 갖추었고, 3개의 본론 문단 하나 하나가 주제문의 3포인트에 대해서 기술하고 있으며, 논리적인 흐름과 더불어 연결어(transitions)를 효과적으로 사용하고 있다. 결론에서 종합적인 맺음을 내리면서 논지를 다시한번 효과적으로 환기시키고 있다.

 

Style:
Advanced: Highly effective sentence variety: the beginnings of sentences are varied and sentences vary in structure. Precise, illustrative vivid word choice (e.i., good-->beneficial, get there-->arrived, house-->cottage) Consistent writer’s voice and tone to appropriate audience. 다양한 문장의 구조를 구사할줄 알고, 문장의 시작 부분도 다채롭다. 분명하고 정확하 용어를 구사하고 모호한 표현이 없다. 자신의 독자를 파악하고 있기에 글쓰는이의 글의 톤이나 목소리가 독자에게 알맞고 적절하다.

Conventions:
Advanced: No errors in grammar usage. This includes subject-verb agreement, pronoun-antecedent agreement and consistent verb tense 문법적 오류가 없으며 주어동사, 대명사 사용, 시제 사용도 훌륭하다.

부모님 위한 한국어 평가문

1. Focus: 많은 학생들이 교사에 대한 묘사에 그치기 쉬운데 올리비아양은, 교사가 나에게 어떤 영향을 주었는지에 대해서 쓰는 것임을 잘 파락하고 있습니다.

2. contents: 모든 바디패러그래프에서 충분한 예시와 설명을 하고 있습니다.

3. 구조는 대부분 훌륭했습니다. Thesis Statement를 기술하였고 각 바디 패러그래프에서 다룰 교사 3인은 명확하게 표현했습니다. Firstly, Secondly, Lastly, in conclusion등의 transition 사용도 매우 훌륭합니다. 모든 바디 패러그래프에 Topic setence와 closing sentence가 들어 있으며 특히 closing 에서 자신에게 어떤 영향을 주었는지 요약/묘사함으로 각 단락이 주제에 focus가 되어 있음을 탄탄하게 다졌습니다.

4. 완성되지 않은 문장들 (incomplete sentence)이 하나도 없고 스펠링도 완벽합니다. 문법적으로도 완벽합니다. 구어체적 표현도 없습니다.

5. 성실하게 9주를 채운것이 너무나 훌륭합니다